Enemy in a Jar

The more I pay attention to what I shove down my grocery hole, the more surprises I get.

I’ve written before about the many challenges of eating healthy while living in the South. More specifically, the ongoing test of trying to lose weight while having who I have as my mother-in-law. She is a star pupil in the Paula Deen school of cooking and I’ve been enjoying the hell out of her food for thirteen years. It’s only been the past two I’ve been eating it on a very regular basis, and hey, what a coincidence – it’s been that exact same period of time I’ve gained forty pounds.

The other night she and I were preparing BLT’s for the boys who were hard at work. I should say we were making BLTC’s, since she always adds cheese to that type of sandwich (or should I say every type of sandwich). I was putting mayo on the bread slices, when she looked at them and said, “Brian likes a lot more mayonaise than that!” and then maybe realized how MIL-like that sounded, and so quickly qualified it with, “Well you’ve been living with him a long time; you know better than I do!” You are correct there, lady – thirteen years this month. And I happen to know while Brian loves Dukes Mayonaise with an unholy, almost sensual love, he also has a 335-lb uncle who uses it as a dipping sauce with everything he eats and views him warily as a cautionary tale.

I told Brian the story later and he laughed. He then got serious for a minute and said, “I think she’s trying to kill me. With mayonaise, butter and gravy.” It made me wonder how her husband, Brian’s stepdad, stays in such good shape until I remembered he runs five miles every morning. He’d almost have to, or else simply be destined to a life of obesity and sloth.

Yesterday as I was making a turkey sandwich, I grabbed the Miracle Whip. It’s not that I don’t like mayo, but I prefer MW for certain things. Like turkey sandwiches. Then I thought Hmm, and picked up the jars of Dukes and Hellman’s (why we have three different types of this stuff in our possession, I honestly do not know) and did a little comparison. This is what I found:

Miracle Whip – 35 calories per serving*
Hellman’s Real Mayo – 90 calories per serving*
Dukes Mayo – 100 calories per serving*

*Serving size is 1 Tablespoon for each

Guess who is about to start using Miracle Whip for all her future sandwich needs? I mean seriously – I can’t believe this is the first I’m learning of this. It’s not as if I’m going to start protesting my MIL’s cooking and yes there is a potato salad and other delectable treats holiday coming up this weekend, which I plan to enthusiastically take part of. But wow, am I glad I found out about on this now. Knowledge is power, isn’t that what somebody said somewhere once?

Next up: Learning to love butter substitutes again. Not really. But sort of.


8 Responses to Enemy in a Jar

  1. Taoist Biker says:

    I’d do better skipping the mayo altogether than switching to Miracle Whip. I was raised on Duke’s, and Miracle Whip just tastes altogheter wrong to me. It would be like saying “I’m gonna quit smoking and start chewing a big ol’ hunk of Levi Garrett instead. Mmm-mmm!”


  2. Laura says:

    I liked Miracle Whip when I was little, but my taste for it has disappeared as an adult. Don’t ya just love those comparison revalations?

    TJ’s makes a flaxseed oil-based mayo that tastes the same as regular, but with a fraction of the saturated fat. Plus, you know, those healthy Omega-3’s. Still has as many calories and total fat, though. I try to use it sparingly, but when you’re making potato salad you just have to jump in head first and swim around in the caloric goodness, ya know?

    • Kimmothy says:

      I’m just glad I like MW – after finding this out, it will be a rare situation I use mayo again. Unfortunately my love of potato salad knows no bounds.

  3. crisitunity says:

    I don’t like mayonnaise at all. Whether miraculous or no. BF thinks that this is the only thing which keeps me from enlightenment.

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