Never Too Late for Shame

Thirteen years ago when it became apparent Brian was going to start spending the night with me on a regular basis, I purposely farted in front of him to break the ice and get that issue out of the way.

I’ve had no problem through the years letting him hold my hair while I vomited and I’ve vomited a lot over the years.

I’ve requested him be present in the room for various medical procedures involving my girl parts.

I’m not usually very self-conscious around my husband is what I’m saying. But something weird has happened lately, that I’m sure has to do with the weight gain, and that is I’ve become shy around this person I’ve shared my life with for over a decade. I haven’t been getting undressed or dressed if he’s in the room, oh hale naw. He’s not been privvy to what the scale’s been saying and for the first time ever, I haven’t shared with him what my weight is. I don’t think it’ll be a surprise when I tell you marital relations have become something done sans light and sans light only.

This is not my nature and it’s really bothering me. If you can’t be comfortable with the person you’re closest too in the world, well…that’s pretty sad.

Besides when I first slipped the 30DS into the DVD player to show him what hell it was going to be, I’ve avoided even doing that in front of him. I don’t even know if it’s been a conscious decision; but it does seem to happen whenever he’s not home. So when he pulled up yesterday afternoon right when I was ending my stepper session and about to start up the DVD, I thought, Shit. Nobody needs to see this sweaty, red-faced lug hauling her now-sizable ass up and down on the living room floor, flailing around like a mentally challenged sea creature. I quickly tried to figure out if he had to leave the house again, but couldn’t think of any reason why he’d need to. Then he said the heat had worn him out, so he wanted to take a little nap. Score! Even though he naps on the couch which is three feet away from my exercising spot, he sleeps like a rock; I figured I was home free.

I waited a few minutes for the signs he was asleep: the arm going up over the face and the dog settling in for parallel napping. He was breathing evenly and peacefully when I started the DVD and I made sure I turned the volume LOW so as to make sure Jillian’s drill sergeant voice would not rouse him. Things were going great, when all of a sudden during my second round of push-ups, his voice: “Wow, Babe – you have gotten better at the push-ups!” I almost found out what it’s like to literally fall flat on your face.

I kept exercising, but was extremely relieved when he turned to face the wall and was out for realsies.

I really hope one of the fringe benefits that comes along with all this stuff is that these stupid feelings go away. They are not welcome and I’m not enjoying them one bit.


10 Responses to Never Too Late for Shame

  1. Laura says:

    Heh. You and I are EXACTLY the same. I usually work out in the weight room with the door closed so Calvin can’t observe, but when I’m doing 30DS I have to go out into the living room – more room, and the weight room doesn’t have a TV or DVD player. So I only do 30DS when he’s not home, or napping, too!

  2. crisitunity says:

    I couldn’t stand having BF see me do aerobics, either. I felt silly. Sometimes he watches me do yoga, and while it’s distracting it’s really not the same. (In part because I sometimes get to say “Hey, watch THIS.”)

  3. I think my time in the gym has cured me of all of this weirdness.

    • Kimmothy says:

      Wow, now that you mention it, this is the same idiocy that’s intimidating me about going to the gym as well! Though I’d much rather sweat and be fat and ugly in front of strangers than Brian. I don’t have sex with strangers…well, not anymore anyway.

      • Taoist Biker says:

        I agree with you – but with a caveat. I work out in front of strangers who are also working out. That’s entirely different. If Dys was working out with me, that’s no problem. If one of us was working out while the other just watched? Uh, no, no thanks.

        I don’t have sex with people I don’t know, but the one I have sex with IS still kinda strange. Does that count?

    • Kimmothy says:

      Strange is good! But don’t take my word for it – I’m strange.

  4. Ruth says:

    For some odd reason I won’t workout to DVDs in front of people but I have no problem going to the gym.
    ps- love the way you write!

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