This might be considered a somewhat sensitive topic, so if you’re easily offended you don’t know me very well you may want to skip it.
Of my many insecurities and hang-ups, sex with the lights on (or worse – in daylight)(*shudder*) probably ranks at the top of my list. And it’s not something new; I’ve pretty much dealt with it my whole sexual career. Not that it’s always prevented me from indulging – a camping trip in the North Carolina mountains once found Brian and I, uh, communing with nature while hiking down a river trail in broad daylight. And you know teenagers/early twenty-somethings; if they are going to get jiggy with it, they have to take advantage of whatever opportunity presents itself and that isn’t always at night. So yes – I’ve had some non-dark experiences and it would be dishonest to say they were bad.
But. I am without a doubt, no questions asked, one hundred and ten percent more comfortable in the dark or mostly-dark. Candlelight is perfect, but also kind of cheesy and Lifetime movie-ish and I kind of feel stupid in the act of setting up mood lighting. If candles already happen to be lit and things start happening, well that’s fine. Maybe I should make a habit of lighting candles more often? Hmm.
While I’ve always had this problem no matter how much I’ve weighed, the issue became more pronounced after I put on this weight. And even though we have fairly good communication in the sex department, I don’t even feel comfortable bringing this up with him. Of course there’s a possibility he could read this, in which case Hi, babe! Sorry I’m such a freak lately! (Him: “Lately?”) I guess that would mean I’d be acknowledging my embarrassment over the whole weight problem to begin with, and that’s something I’ve never really dealt with before.
So one of the many reasons I’m glad I’m on this health journey is the thought of feeling more comfortable in my skin again. Sex is one of the few healthy, legal (most of the time) pasttimes adults are allowed to enjoy and when you’re all tied up (pun) with negative feelings about yourself, it tends to take something away from the experience. And that’s just shitty.
I’m already making progress though. I won’t go into too many details (too late for that, right?), but the night I got back from my trip, we had a very fun reunion even though his bedside reading light was still on. I think it may also have something to do with the fact that I’ve been tanning for a month, but whatever. I’ll take it.